Sunday, May 24, 2026

Raga stories

I am his number one fan. My late grandfather Nonoy (d. 2008) was a great storyteller. Literally, our neighbors and I would gather in front of him, almost by the road, just on the side of the entrance of Jarry’s Carinderia, to experience the magic of some healers and theurgist, the harrowing ordeal during WWII, his life journey as a very poor laborer, baker, and, eventually, cook in his own carinderia. A local faith healer from a cut-off barrio inexplicably cured a man by breaking a supposed hex of ants strangely coming right out of the man’s skin. As young boys, he and his friends were pursued by Japanese soldiers, but they outwitted them by diving into a dense, thorny bush, forcing the soldiers to give up the chase. He worked as a kargador, and as a baker, which really impressed me a lot. My grandfather worked in a local bakery as a baker. I really think it’s so cool. 

Storytelling starts after dinner time. A couple of neighbors in monoblock chairs, one sitting next to my grandfather on a wonky wooden bench, others constantly shifting weight from one leg to another while quietly standing, and me squatting like a tiny button thumb sucking, as usual.

Some nights, we just ask him to re-tell the same story he has told many times before, like me demanding Ang Pagong at ang Matsing (The Turtle and the Monkey) story for the hundredth time. That’s exclusively for me, though. That’s my favorite story of his. Well, not his his, because that’s a famous Philippine fable popularized by our National Hero, Dr. Jose Rizal. It always, always was a thrill every single time, the way he would pause, then continue with surprising vocal adlibs and expressions that enliven the story. And if he missed some details, I’d make him go back to include all the articles and colors he mentioned on some other nights, like I know the story better than him. My grandfather would patiently repeat as I insisted.

If you know me, you think you see that familiar persona in me. I’m not the slightest bit of a storyteller like him, but I do tend to narrate life events in a detailed and lengthy way.

So let the stories begin. Though, I don’t know where to begin. Right now, I just know that I’d tell you about my childhood as a poor ragamuffin street kid who, contradictorily, studied in a good private school in a then sleepy city of Butuan down south of the country. The juxtaposition is a bit striking when I look back reflecting why I am who I know I am. I am a product of the streets, I always say. That is where I got my survival wits. My childhood playground was the community around my grandparents’ carinderia, that’s right across an old seaport. There, I watched neighborhood kids haul sacks of rice, flour, and cement to earn some cash for food. I was exposed to all sorts of local gambling. Remember Jai Alai, and the local small-time lottery Last-2 and Last-3? I was a substitute usher as a kid whenever my uncle was away to watch cock fights. I saw friends go hungry until the afternoon, surviving on a single meal a day. Seeing the relentless daily struggle forced me to grow up fast, I guess gifted me with self-awareness long before my time. And then I went to a private school. In this school, kids were trained to be good Catholics. We were taught not to step on the grass, to walk slowly and properly instead of running, to sit up straight with hands on the lap during classes, to fall in line, to not chew gum, to keep our candy wrappers inside our pocket or in our bag. We had a weekly speech laboratory class to get our enunciations and pronunciations right. Our school day opens with a “sharing period,” where we describe the weather, perform a group singing, and check on our classmates’ personal hygiene, whether their nails are neatly clipped, ears are cleaned, and hair is washed and groomed. We had to change the flowers in the flower vase on the altar every day. And then I go home to a community of ragas, in a family who allowed me take on responsibilities like an adult.

So yeah, as my grandfather did, I’d like to share stories, from my weirdly contrasting world. I’ll tell you about Nonoy, Auring, Tutay, Julie, Fidela, Loling, and Atong. Because they are my favorite people in the world. Bonus, I might tell you about my office crush (my therapist said it’s okay). And maybe one day, I might tell you about him (not the office crush) (if he allows it) who keeps my world sane, even while I persist in being insane. 

Sunday, May 10, 2026

New Old Romantic

I romanticize everything in life.

I was just in a call with a good friend since the university days. As I always do, when I’m feeling extra romantic with my hormones going ballistic as I bleed, I lamented with a great sentiment of defeat how life is lived nowadays in a transient and mundane routine bereft of depth and critical reflection. I know it’s not just me, and my ever judge-y head projecting my frustration to the life I lead, and that is exactly one that’s deprived of sense.

Ah, the existential crisis, the perpetual, immutable plague. A cliché, you will say. While bleak and dreadful, the questions around it labored schools of thought, paved paths and practices and lifestyles, and invented art and forms of expression most enduring and reincarnating, ironically. This is my defense. So let me tackle the crisis head on.

With that as an excuse, I’m back to a little longer form of writing. Because this is the easiest way I know how to channel the spaghetti-twirl static fuzz in polychromatic fireworks of emotions my tiny broken, broken heart could muster. Yapping is easier. Some days, I manically belt my larynx out accompanied by frantic bodily movements, or pretend-Tony Bourdain at my tiny outdoor kitchen 33/F above the ground, and then pass out from exhaustion. Yapping is easier.

So let’s toast to existential crisis, to art, to hearts loving unconditionally – I have stories to tell.

Tuesday, November 2, 2021

There is no me

It's been a long while, indeed. Hello. 

Many things had happened since my last post that I don't know where or how to start sharing my life, again, on here. To be completely honest, I haven't been well, and I think I'll never be well, again. I am depressed. It's not alright, but I accept. 

I accept. 

Sometimes, I stumble upon things that help me to be more accepting about my sadness. Erin Greene's monologue at the end of Mike Flanagan's "Midnight Mass" miniseries is one of them. 

So, allow me to start my come back with this. 

Myself. My self. That’s the problem. That’s the whole problem with the whole thing. That word, “self.” That's not the word. That’s not right, that isn’t…How did I forget that? When did I forget that? The body stops a cell at a time, but the brain keeps firing those neurons. Little lightning bolts, like fireworks inside and I thought I’d despair or feel afraid, but I don’t feel any of that. None of it. Because I’m too busy. I’m too busy in the moment. Remembering. Of course. I remember that every atom in my body was forged in a star. This matter, this body is mostly empty space after all, and solid matter? It’s just energy vibrating very slowly why there is no me. There never was. The electrons of my body mingle and dance with the electrons of the ground below me and the air I’m no longer breathing. And I remember there is no point where any of that ends and I begin. I remember I am energy. Not memory. Not self. My name, my personality, my choices, all came after me. I was before them and I will be after, and everything else is pictures, picked up along the way. Fleeting little dreamlets printed on the tissue of my dying brain. And I am the lightning that jumps between. I am the energy firing the neurons, and I’m returning. Just by remembering, I’m returning home. And it’s like a drop of water falling back into the ocean, of which it’s always been a part. All things… a part. You, me and my little girl, and my mother and my father, everyone’s who’s ever been, every plant, every animal, every atom, every start, every galaxy, all of it. More galaxies in the universe than grains of sand on the beach. And that’s what we’re talking about when we say “God.” The cosmos and its infinite dreams. We are the cosmos dreaming of itself. It’s simply a dream that I think is my life, every time. But I’ll forget this. I always do. I always forget my dreams. But now, in this split-second, in the moment I remember, the instant I remember, I comprehend everything at once. There is no time. There is no death. Life is a dream. It’s a wish. Made again and again and again and again and again and again and on into eternity. And I am all of it. I am everything. I am all. I am that I am.

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Oh, hey!



Time. The lack of it kept me from putting together an entry. My weekends were occupied. My nights were tired and ended early. My days were full.

But just like everyone else, I try to cope by going to places, doing the things I love doing, watching films, spending time with friends, and taking plenty of naps in between.

Last May, Brando and I went to Baguio. We climbed Mt. Ulap rather unprepared, hence ended totally beaten up. Good thing we had The Manor as our shelter for that night. From the climb we headed straight to the hotel and never came out for dinner. We ate in bed at six and slept before everyone even started their dinner. It was the most exhausting out of town trip, but hah nevermind Mt. Ulap was so beautiful. Sadly, though, I have no photos to show because I brought a camera with an empty battery and Brando lost his phone [which we used to take photos] on our way to the hotel.

We went back to Real, Quezon, for I don’t know how many times now. It’s our favorite weekend getaway. Because it’s just a 3-hour drive from the Metro, it’s a cheap trip: no toll fees, Pacific Recreation Park is budget-friendly, and very convenient for campers like us. And of course, the beach is great. We had Brando’s teammates in Sunken Garden United Football Club for a company this time. Rolly’s pick-up slowed us down on our way back to Manila – clutch problem, overheated, and other engine issues. But I guess that made our trip unusually memorable. 

And there was Deus Sex Machina night (with Brando, Ariane, Sarah, Hendric, Momay, Gino and his bf), interview with The Bookyard Café (KB, Brian, and Gayna) and French Film Festival: Les Souviners with Juliet! And many other fun activities that kept me generally sane.

In the coming months, I wish I’ll be here more often and flood you with positivity and beautiful photos.

Friday, March 25, 2016

“I wish to live a life that causes my soul to dance inside my body.”

The past several months felt like I was uprooted from that familiar place where my soul dug and built me. I walked around without a name, without my individuality, without the dreams that made me. I walked around headless and emotionless.

But when you are made of fire, it only takes a while to realize you are out in the middle of a windy cold night. Before the cold consume you, you hold on to the wind tight and let it take you to a warmer place to start all over again. I am fire. Wherever I go, I need warmth. I need something that keeps my soul going, something that causes my soul to dance inside my body.

And so I’m back! Here. Where I have built a tiny warm familiar space. Where I know myself and the things that I do. A couple of weeks ago, I tried chasing myself back. And I will continue chasing until everything is in tuned and my soul starts to tap her feet to the beat of my life.


Last weekend, I went to Calatagan, Batangas with a beautiful and great company of Jeff, Jazz, Albert, and Ida. We took a lot of photos of us burning hotdogs for dinner, enjoying the sea, the sand, and the scenery. We were drunk about our life plans, our dreams, and our heartaches. But not drunk enough just yet and our stories will continue until the next weekend getaway.







***Taken at Burot Beach and Cape Santiago, Calatagan, Batangas (19-20 March) by Linds

Sunday, February 28, 2016

Favorite Films [3.0]: What You Should Watch

Feelin' like a stranger on my own online space, but I always run back here full of excitement and love. I'm slowly regaining what I almost lost within those chaotic months. I thought it will change me forever. I'm fighting it, so I am back here with the same brokenness, the same desire to express the rawness of my thoughts and emotions. 

Every year, since 2013 (here's for 2014), I post all the films I watch the entire year and shortlist my favorite 15 films. Last year, I promised myself to watch at least ten films each month. I am seven films short. Nonetheless, I can easily select 10 favorites - not 15 this time. 




1. Ida
2. Gone Girl
3. The Grand Budapest Hotel 
4. Whiplash
5. Castle in the Sky
6. How's Moving Castle
7. Dancer in the Dark
8. Kramer vs Kramer
9. In the Heart of the Sea
10. The Girl with Pearl Earing

Gone Girl A Separation Manhattan
Short Bus Love, Rosie Something Borrowed
All About Ana Flashdance My Sister's Keeper
Blindness Two Night Stand Natalee Holloway
Mud Lucy Dracula Untold
Two for the Road The Fountain Jules Et Jim
Definitely Maybe Fatal Attraction The Virgin Suicides
Now You See Me Capt. America the Winter Soldier The Square
When In Rome The Squid and the Whale The Hours
Predestination Mamma Mia Cold Mountain
Veronica Mars Hungry Hearts American Beauty
Ida Kiki's Delivery Service Kramer VS Kramer
The Theory of Everything Castle in the Sky Shakespear in Love
Two Days and One Night My Neighbor Totoro Artifical Intelligence
Still Alice The Intouchables The Sweet Hereafter
Nightcrawler Pitch Perfect 2 Don Jon
The Grand Budapest Hotel Almost Married Kill them Softly
Birdman Focus The World of Kanako
France Ha Run All Night Madame Bovary
Antichrist Howl's Moving Castle Ms. Congeniality
That Thing Called Tadhana Neighbors The Proposal
Boyhood Rorouni Kenshin The Girl with the Pearl Earing
The Boy Next Door Transylvania Drive
Wild (2014) You've Got Mail Heneral Luna
The Thomas Crown Affair When Harry Met Sally Star Wars: The Phantom Menace
Whiplash 2 Days in Paris Star Wars: Attack of the Clones
Inglorious Basterds The Help Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
The Secret in their Eyes Doubt Star Wars: A New Hope
Magic Mike The Reader Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back
This Means War Never Been Kissed Star Wars: Return of the Jedi
X-Men Days of Future Past A Teacher Star Wars: The Force Awakens
Guardians of the Galaxy It Felt Like Love The Internship
A Long Way Down Jurassic World In the Heart of the Sea
The Invisible Woman Insurgent
Kingsman The Secret Service Derailed
Upstream Color Psycho (1960)
12 Year A Slave Dancer in the Dark
Indecent Proposal Spy
Interstellar The Immigrant
The Best of Me Taste of Cherry

Friday, July 31, 2015

"We don't remember days, we remember moments!"

Memories are not forever safely kept in our heads. They fade over time, no matter what. To make it worse, we might completely lose them when we need them most. When we’re old and maybe have so much empty time to think about our past. Sometimes, what are left in us are only vague ideas or uncertain feelings they evoke when recalled.

That is one reason why I take photos. Not of myself, but of what I see and of how they feel that fleeting moment. Photos are printed memories. They’re captured emotions. Arguably, photos are not forever either. They’re just paper and dyes, after all.

But somehow they’re an extension to the lifespan of the memories stored in our heads.

Because of that, I hate losing photos.

Before the days of digital camera, we print our photos on photo papers to actually see them. I ruined many of mine from moisture in my cheap photo albums. It broke my heart. In trying to salvage the few that remained only partly damaged, I scanned them for digital copies in case I’d completely lose the printed ones, which is its inevitable demise.

Then I stumbled on Fotogra.ph and the idea of photo books. This came after.






And So The Adventure Begins Volume 1 is a compilation of the photos I took as I carried my heart feeling all the feelings, to show truths.

Photobook is a perfect way of compiling photos. It’s moist-free, space-saving, neat, and clutter free. And cheaper than printing in photo papers.

If you fancy compiling and printing your memory lane into a book, you may also try to visit these sites for photobook service.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

"There was nowhere to go but everywhere, so just keep on rolling under the stars."

Recharging means heading up north of Quezon -Real- to soak in the pacific under the looming sun. Yes, that's how you do it, darlings. Going to Real, Quezon to me is almost like writing an obscure poem. Sierra Madre could make you think of many words that unnecessarily relate with each other or make little sense altogether. Up there you drive with the clouds. It's how beautiful it is. 






***Taken on the road going to Real, Quezon and in Pacific Recreation Park (13-14 June) by Linds