Saturday, February 20, 2010

The Hermit In Me

I’m breaking the silence. It’s been a while since I posted an entry here – I hate my habit of reiterating an obvious, but there you go. I have a lot to share only I can’t really say I’m in the mood of writing. I’ve conceded to the fact that some people just weren’t born to write. And I’m one of them. I don’t breathe writing.

I’m more of a reader, I guess. A kind of reader who takes note of lines from a book and reads them aloud to a few friends whom I think can relate or further the discussion about it. A recent realization tells me that I’m, in that way, similar to my friend Loords. She does that. Even when we talk about the mundane-st thing in the world, she has the flair to make it an essential and relates it to the interesting but silly truths of being a human. She would rummage that book where she has read a line about that mundane thing and narrate it aloud. I miss her. I’m looking forward to meeting her and her Korean hubby on April.

I know that was a bad introduction and this may even be a worse transition, but the point is I only wanted to share this excerpt from a book I just finished reading. It’s from one of JD Salinger’s novels, Franny and Zooey – or if I may scrub off that “one of” to eliminate that sound of belittling. This is a grasp of Salinger’s genius, if I should say. Franny and Zooey profoundly and bluntly spelled out what I’ve been trying to realize lately. It transported me to that grand light of consciousness and comprehension to what then an inexplicably peculiar and diffused thought lurking inside my brain. And as what they always say, some beautiful and grandiose things happen in the most unexpected places. I was in a jeepney when I read these lines and I almost snapped. But before I could scare the hell out of the other passengers, I held the nearly display of drama, instead I yielded to the overwhelming all-curses-you-can-think-of joggling in and out of my heated skull.

Funny how some brilliant literary works – fictional as it may be – influence perspective of individuals like me, who’s radical, vulnerable, naked and free thinking. It frightens me out. The power is astounding.

This is it.

“It’s everybody, I mean. Everything everybody does is so – I don’t know – not wrong, or even mean, or even stupid necessarily. But just so tiny and meaningless and – sad-making. And the worst part is, if you go bohemian or something crazy like that, you’re conforming just as much as everybody else, only in a different way.”

“I’m just sick of ego, ego, ego. My own and everybody else’s. I’m sick of everybody that wants to get somewhere, do something distinguished and all, be somebody interesting. It’s disgusting – it is, it is. I don’t care what anybody says.”

“I’m not afraid to compete. It’s just the opposite. Don’t you see that? I’m afraid I will compete – that’s what scares me. That’s why I quit the Theatre Department. Just because I’m so horribly conditioned to accept everybody else’s values, and just because I like applause and people to rave about me, doesn’t make it right. I’m ashamed of it. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of not having the courage to be an absolute nobody. I’m sick of myself and everybody else that wants to make some kind of a splash.”

Everybody seems drawn to always make a “splash”. The thought of it gives an itch to my skin. It’s disgusting. I never liked “splashes”, but I admit I always wanted to be different. However, it didn’t necessarily mean different in a splashy way but… just different, even in a dork-ish or boring way. Nonetheless, just the same, I despise it now. I abhor the idea of consciously putting an effort to be fascinatingly unique. It’s evil. It’s pathetic. Everybody wants to be unique, and that exactly what makes the entire concept common.

I do what I do not only because it makes me happy… but probably because I’m me and if I’m not me then I wouldn’t surely be doing what I’m doing. Anyway, I’ll end here. This is lengthy enough for another dosage of hateful twaddle. The point? Just read the whole crap again and just look for yourself what you suspect to be the point is. I’m running out time, It’s already 3:41pm and I’m still meeting my high school friends at 4:30pm.

As you can see this is my first blog for the year. I hope I’d have a lot coming. This will be a good year. Just take the ride.

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