Mixed Emotions

I shut my eyes tight scared to witness how the daylight slowly fades from my window, how the night cut the day. A tear slowly crawls down on one end of my eye. In no time darkness will drown me. I don’t know why this feeling at this moment. But I have a hint that it's love. It's overflowing. I feel like my heart is coming out from my chest. Love for life. Love for dreams. Love for experiences, no matter how depressing they can be, like how the warm day was stolen away. Love brings so much feelings. And I’m obsessed about it. Like I always need to experience and feel things.

Riding a jeepney back here in my place inside the campus, I imagine I’m sitting in a bench along the road and see myself in the ride, moving away slowly, as I extend my view wider in panoramic, seeing the decades old Acacia trees swinging their branches, leaves falling with the wind. It’s nostalgic. And the jeepney appears smaller and smaller and later out of my view. To me it signifies how life flies by so fast. Just like how my tears fell as the night seized the day, time ticking on and on makes me sad. I’m afraid that things just happen. I’m scared that things won’t be as beautiful as in the past or if it’ll be a lot better it’ll feel strange and I can’t relate to it. I’m anxious that some memories are forgotten without any trace. I try to think back as far as I can remember, picture some things out in my head but I can’t for some of them. They seem to be just pale broken figures in bland emotion. It’s sad. I cry for those lost moments.

Since I arrived from my short holiday vacation in Butuan, I’ve immediately confronted with, well, the kind of life I’ve chosen to live here in Manila. It’s busy. And whenever I’m almost completely absorbed in it, a part of me whispers freedom, expression, connection, artistry and love. I think of photographs, paintings, running in the rain, forest, feeling young and carefree, sleeping in the afternoons, family, crazy friends, and new places. This year, every moment will be remembered. I’ll take photos in my mind. This year I’ll let my imagination run wild, embrace emotions, let creativity flow in my blood, value and love people more no matter how numb and ungrateful some could be sometimes.

I'm in mixed emotions. And I'm embracing it.